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Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Beginnings? Ends?

The outside of my life is going great. I had an interview for a job with a guy who wants to hire me, wanted to hire me back in October or so but the position fell through. I'll know later this week. I have caught up the vast majority of the paperwork I was behind on with my current job, and I completed all my calls today so I am hopefully on my way back to the good graces of my boss. I am feeling well again.

The flip side is that I am unsettled still. As I usually do when I'm unsettled, I went online and shopped. To my credit, the clothes I bought are things I definitely will wear, on sale, and cheap. My work wardrobe consists of casual pants and polo shirts. All of my shirts and most of my pants are showing signs of being washed every other week. So, I spent an average of $10 ea and got more than a week's worth of shirts and pants. I'm now set for summer. The other part of the bargain is that I have to get rid of at least as many things as I bought.

Reading on line journals isn't bringing me the pleasure it once did. The folks who are out hiking and writing about it on TrailJournals.com are making me antsy to get out there myself and hike my own hike. The one journal that almost always brought a smile to me, madcapmum on blogger, is all but dormant as she takes time off this winter to transform herself into herself. I understand. I want to crawl back into my cave. I get weary of dealing with people. I am apparently different. I see myself as independent. But, I was gently chided for being 'high maintenance' by a good friend who knows me. So, somewhere out there is my lost book of instructions on how to deal with people on a one to one basis. Seems that everyone else knows these things but I am clueless. How else can I be having so much trouble with basic interpersonal relationships. Everyone else Knows What To Do, and I stumble around either oblivious or too clingy, never finding the correct level of interaction. Must be a book I didn't get issued.

I have tossed out some more stuff. I have a pile of things to take to Mom's to make disappear. I don't care if she donates them, has a yard sale, or tosses them in the dumpster. I just want the stuff to disappear. It would be nice if once in my life I show someone my house and they don't look around and go 'Gee, you have a lot of stuff...' The fact that I have 1/3 of what I used to is a moot point. I still have too much. Why is it so hard to decide what to get rid of and what (little) I should keep? I half jokingly (only half) told someone that I was thinking of deciding what to keep by asking 'does it fit in my backpack?' They said I should probably not do that yet. Wait till I've hiked the AT at least once. Then I can come back and get rid of everything.

I keep making all these changes in my life, and all it seems to do is lead to more change. And more restlessness. I'm guessing that when my ashes are scattered I will be riding the wind and/or water and still trying to figure out if that is the right place to be or not.

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