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Saturday, August 11, 2007

Divine Insecurity

I've mentioned Lloyd Kahn's blog here before. I really, really enjoy reading his takes on life and what he's doing. It's at . The latest thing he wrote that has me pondering is this:

Heard Baryshnikov on the radio yesterday, talking about doing a performance in front of a screen showing him dancing when in his 20s, dancing with an image of himself when 40 years younger. The interviewer asked him about dancing these days, was he worried about performing? He said he liked the pressure, the challenge, and the "divine insecurity" of trying something difficult…

That phrase, divine insecurity, is a good way to describe the pull of trying new things, pushing past everyday routine. It is something that I struggle with, constantly trying new things and then pulling back into the security of what I already know. Sometimes when going into that insecure area I find my limits. This house would be one of those. It is beyond my current ability to work on remodeling it. Maybe when the weather cools down again. Sometimes when I'm in the insecure world I find new things that I incorporate into my life with glee. A lot of times I just run back to routine and safety after a bit to look back out on my recent adventures and lick my wounds and ponder if I learned anything from it.

I may be about to jump into that Divine Insecurity with a vengeance. I am trying for a new job. These folks already (hopefully only half-) kiddingly asked when I can start. I said 2 weeks. My mom was surprised that I would give 2 weeks notice at my current contract. I said, no, 1 week notice and a week to get my life organized. This job would be almost all travel, for weeks at a time. Most likely making enough money to save up for my AT hike in a few years. And, pushing everything I ever knew about computers, servers, software, network administration, and training to limits I've not done before. I'm reaching for the ginkgo biloba as I type (the mind needs all the help it can get to cram new info into it).

I don't know what I'll do about the house, the cat, about much of any of my life as it currently is. I'm not going to get wild about changes until I have an offer in hand. But, the thinking about making the leap is getting me excited and blowing life into the stale energy around here.

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