This is hard

      From The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran:

     How shall I go in peace and without sorrow? Nay, not without a wound in the spirit shall I leave this city.
      Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his pain and his aloneness without regret? …
     It is not a garment I cast off this day, but a skin that I tear with my own hands. Nor is it a thought I leave behind me, but a heart made sweet with hunger and with thirst.
      Yet I cannot tarry longer. The sea that calls all things unto her calls me, and I must embark. For to stay, though the hours burn in the night, is to freeze and crystallize and be bound in a mould.
      Fain would I take with me all that is here. But how shall I? 

I am frozen, almost paralyzed.  I am to the stuff that I actually use.  I can’t take it all with me.  I have not yet started moving into the RV, as I am terrified that I will find that everything I want won’t fit.  I actually know that it won’t.  The nightmares have retreated a bit, but my self-talk about how I always make poor decisions and that, like a cat, I’m running out of lives or the ability to land on my feet runs through my mind constantly.

Understand, there is nothing that has happened to change my desire to move into the RV, or anything new happened that is a problem.  This is my own fight to get myself over this hump.

I showed the mobile to a couple yesterday and they looked around and then said ‘the ad says this will be available by Monday…’  I said that if they made me an offer I’d be out at the end of Tuesday, and I could.  I might need to check into a psych ward (I didn’t add that part…).  It turns out they can’t apply to live in the park until Tuesday anyway, so I have some time, and they didn’t make me an offer.  I’m going to amend the ad to say June 15.

My paid help is to show up Tuesday, so I will again get a moving truck for a day and see how much I can squeeze into the storage sheds.

This is hard.  I must be a true basket case, as most folks talk about how ‘freeing’ getting rid of stuff is, ‘think of how much money you are spending holding onto this crap, err, your stuff you aren’t using’  Maybe I’ll get there.  I can’t think of the money because when I do I hyperventilate looking back and forth from the expense that is an issue and the idea of just dumping all my stuff.  It is difficult enough to put it in storage.

This is one of my better days.  This is why I haven’t been blogging much the past few days.