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Saturday, May 28, 2016

This is hard

      From The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran:

     How shall I go in peace and without sorrow? Nay, not without a wound in the spirit shall I leave this city.
      Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his pain and his aloneness without regret? …

     It is not a garment I cast off this day, but a skin that I tear with my own hands. Nor is it a thought I leave behind me, but a heart made sweet with hunger and with thirst.
      Yet I cannot tarry longer. The sea that calls all things unto her calls me, and I must embark. For to stay, though the hours burn in the night, is to freeze and crystallize and be bound in a mould.
      Fain would I take with me all that is here. But how shall I? 


I am frozen, almost paralyzed.  I am to the stuff that I actually use.  I can’t take it all with me.  I have not yet started moving into the RV, as I am terrified that I will find that everything I want won’t fit.  I actually know that it won’t.  The nightmares have retreated a bit, but my self-talk about how I always make poor decisions and that, like a cat, I’m running out of lives or the ability to land on my feet runs through my mind constantly.

Understand, there is nothing that has happened to change my desire to move into the RV, or anything new happened that is a problem.  This is my own fight to get myself over this hump.

I showed the mobile to a couple yesterday and they looked around and then said ‘the ad says this will be available by Monday…’  I said that if they made me an offer I’d be out at the end of Tuesday, and I could.  I might need to check into a psych ward (I didn’t add that part…).  It turns out they can’t apply to live in the park until Tuesday anyway, so I have some time, and they didn’t make me an offer.  I’m going to amend the ad to say June 15.

My paid help is to show up Tuesday, so I will again get a moving truck for a day and see how much I can squeeze into the storage sheds.

This is hard.  I must be a true basket case, as most folks talk about how ‘freeing’ getting rid of stuff is, ‘think of how much money you are spending holding onto this crap, err, your stuff you aren’t using’  Maybe I’ll get there.  I can’t think of the money because when I do I hyperventilate looking back and forth from the expense that is an issue and the idea of just dumping all my stuff.  It is difficult enough to put it in storage.

This is one of my better days.  This is why I haven’t been blogging much the past few days.

8 comments:

  1. Another Reader5/28/16, 12:00 PM

    Can you keep the mobile home for a few months while you try on the RV lifestyle? If you decide it is not for you in 2 or 3 months, you should be able to sell the RV for more than what you paid because of the repairs you have made.

    I'm not a fan of cutting off my options. It will cost you the space rent and utilities, but instead of making an irreversible decision, you will have more time and experience to decide what works best for you.

    In your shoes, I would also consider your mother and her needs over the next year. I would probably take some shorter trips in the RV closer to home in case I was needed in Payson.

    If you think you make improperly reasoned decisions, give yourself more time and the option to back out of this one if it is the wrong decision.

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  2. I've been wondering what you have been up to. I for one work at my best with a deadline. Somehow goals are not enough to get it done for me. Be gentle with yourself. My vicious cycle starts with full blown worst case worries about 3:O0AM. By morning I Haven't had enough sleep to be productive for the day... Then repeat. Few decisions are irrevocable. It may take effort but there are solutions that are often unseen, especially at 3:00 AM. Keep Moving forward.... Even if it is in spurts and sputters. You will decide what is best for you.

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  3. I've been wondering what you have been up to. I for one work at my best with a deadline. Somehow goals are not enough to get it done for me. Be gentle with yourself. My vicious cycle starts with full blown worst case worries about 3:O0AM. By morning I Haven't had enough sleep to be productive for the day... Then repeat. Few decisions are irrevocable. It may take effort but there are solutions that are often unseen, especially at 3:00 AM. Keep Moving forward.... Even if it is in spurts and sputters. You will decide what is best for you.

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  4. Good luck with your decisions, we wanted to fulltime and in order to do it we had to get rid of our "stuff" and not pay storage. No real easy but was a good decision for us now being 10 years on the road, don't miss any of it.

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  5. About 2 years ago I downsized from a10-room house,(with 2 storerooms) to a 1-bedroom with a tiny, TINY kitchen and no storerooms. I pre-planned by deciding what I needed and what I really, really wanted to keep. Then I started giving away, donating, throwing away and generally wiping out 40 years accumulation of "things". I love it. Every now and then I have a little tug at my heart about something I got rid of. But, I would do it again in a heartbeat. As long as I have my computer, iPad, books (digital), photos (digital) and a few other small things, I'm in perfect shape and, as you pointed out, free. You just can't look back.

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  6. You need to have a heart to heart talk with yourself and realize you are a strong woman. You've proved that many times, and i know it just from reading your blog for a few years. It is scary to do what you are trying to do, but you know you can get through it, one day at a time. There are things I got rid of and really missed a few years later when I sold my RV and moved into an apartment, but there isn't anything you can't deal with, one day at a time. Been there, done that, and you can too. Good luck.

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  7. I just moved back into my 3 bedroom house...I love to travel but full time is not my thing I want to go on adventures...then come home and enjoy my garden, my dogs and my little bit of possessions. IS there a way for you to have both? Travel when you want, then home to plan your next trip. Good luck with the decisions, change is never easy.

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  8. I find if I just get rid of it...don't think about it...I never miss it when it is gone...

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