Tuesday, October 31, 2006

living well

I have been surrounded by nudges that it is time I stopped trying to 'fit in' and get on with living well. For one thing, I have a lot to do right now. As I take care of details in my life, I uncover more and more details that need to be taken care of. My current house stays cleaner than it ever has before. I have moved so much stuff that cleaning it is easy when I need to do it. I am down to 2 plates, 1 bowl, a handful of mugs and glasses, so I have to wash dishes regularly. But, there is never much to wash. However, it seems like the more I do the more there is to do. I pay a bill, and realize that I have let 2 others go just by forgetting them. Bills are something I usually can keep track of in my head. Not lately.

I had my vow of silence on the chat room, and broke it as I felt more comfortable. I was still not jumping in as readily as before. Then yesterday one of my favorite posters decided to take a leave of absence from the room. I started realizing that with him gone, and one other person I used to talk to not on as often that when I do say something most of the time it is ignored. Early mornings are the only times that I really enjoy conversation there. A handful of us early risers (or late workers) kinda have a coffee klatch there. The person who is now absent is one of the few I talk to then. So, I am thinking I again need to take advantage of a good opportunity to keep my mouth (or fingers) quiet. This has an advantage of freeing up more time for those pesky details I mentioned before.

As if moving wasn't enough to keep me on my toes, I have agreed to be the webmaster (webmistress?) for a group from up home that I used to be very active in. I am not really a webmaster, but I have more time than anyone up there who is actually working on putting on the convention that the website is for. So, this should be a learning experience. So far they haven't sent me the info for me to log in and see what I've gotten myself into.

Speaking of moving... I showed the house 3 times this weekend. Each group said they were going to put in a backup offer. One did actually go in and talk to my realtor. They decided the house is just too small for them. My realtor hasn't seen the need to verify that the person who has the current offer on my house actually closed on the one he was selling yesterday. That was one of the requirements of the offer. She seemed confused as to why I even asked about it. sigh. So, I wait. And I pack.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

It's Saturday

I am somewhat caught up going into this weekend. We are making progress on an offer on the house. There are still a lot of bridges to cross, so I'm not counting the money yet. However, if the offer goes through my date to hand over possession is November 17. I have started the major packing. Well, I have packed one box of coffee mugs this morning. Packing up the kitchen is one of the two worst areas as far as time goes. The worst is going to be my office. This weekend I plan on moving most of the kitchen stuff I don't use and again, working on emptying the outbuildings. When I have my 'move day' where I beg friends shamelessly to come help me I hope that all I have left is the furniture that I can't personally move myself. Since I've been working for the past several years to get down to stuff I can move myself, that means that there are only a dozen or so things that should be left.

As I clean out cabinets I am making sacks of stuff and taking it to Mom. She can figure out whether to use it, donate it, recycle it or trash it. I am to the point that I can't make clear decisions past 'I don't need this anymore'.

Off to do more packing.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006


Last night I cooked myself some supper. A salmon fillet and some red beans and rice. I have one more fillet left from a bag of frozen ones I got at Sam's club. They are good, but I had gotten tired of them. At some point this week I went to the grocery store and got the boxed red beans and rice, a box of angel hair pasta and sauce, and 3 boxes of pop tarts. This explains some of my eating issues. Mostly it explains it because this is a huge step up from normal for me. I do feel better this morning for having eaten last night.

I also did a load of laundry. Since I wasn't home during the weekend I am playing catch up on some things. But, I am catching up this time around. I also paid a past due bill. The common thread here is that I am attending to the details of my life rather than sitting in front of the computer thinking how I have so much I 'should' be doing while not doing any of it. Still have the vow of silence on the chat room. At some point I may even stop reading it constantly.

I am still unsettled thinking about my friend with the health issues. When prodded about why he hadn't told me sooner and did he have any process in place to have me informed if, well, he died, he said no, he would just disappear. That hurts. It's easier for him, but it hurts me. So, I need to ponder how to get hold of some of our former common co-workers that he keeps in closer touch with. Moving into the age bracket where friends start dropping out due to heart attacks and such sucks. My genetics on both sides say that if I don't screw it up I should make it to 100. I have great aunts on both sides who lived to be 103 or so. I know that saying goodby to friends is on-going at this point. Luckily it has been several years since I lost a friend to death.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006


Ok, first off a correction. During my self-absorbed rant I said no man had paid for my meal in a long time. I then later remembered that Oddball paid for my dinner the night I bought the Stanza from him and he took Naienko and I out for Chinese. Sorry, Oddball, I was busy feeling sorry for myself and blocked out anything that interfered with my pity party.

Next for real news. As usual it isn't final, but I have an offer on the house. I countered, not really a lot of difference in the prices. They now are waiting for an appraisal before finalizing the offer. I think they want to say they are paying more than I'm selling it for, and roll the difference into their closing costs. Not a problem, I did that when I bought the place 6 years ago. But, now we wait... again... This is the same couple that I originally showed it to, and they then came back and looked at it officially. They had put the offer in, but my agent hadn't been into her office to get it off the fax machine. She was sick. sigh...

Yesterday I had a late call up north, and called a friend on the way home. We met for coffee as our paths crossed heading home. He is someone I've known for about 10 years or so. He's actually more or less my age. He's also married, but we still can be friends. Almost 2 years ago he had a heart attack. I didn't hear about it till he was back at work and I called him to see why he hadn't been answering his phone. I thought I had asked him to let me know when he has major health issues. Last night he finally let me know that for most of this year he has been fighting an issue with his liver. As in it is enlarged to twice it's usual size. They've biopsied it, etc. Basically at this point the doctors are looking more for why he is still alive rather than what is wrong with him. Some comment about duty while in the Army (career), and how most of the folks he served around are dying/dead. double sigh...

Now it is time to do more of the things that I normally just sit and whine about. I really do want to make changes. I need to make changes. And changes don't happen while sitting reading the chat room on the computer every night. I have instituted a vow of silence for now on the chat room. Too many things I might say that would burn bridges or start flame wars. It's better to get on with living well. My motto has always been that living well is the best revenge.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

The Nature of Change

I went to a con this past weekend. For those who don't know what that is, it is where you go to a hotel and party with approximately 300 of your friends while pretending to be attentive to the informative talks on various forms of computer hacking/security. In truth, many of the talks were interesting. I'm just too restless to sit through an entire talk. I made it through 3 of them in their entirety, and learned a lot from just that much.

The weekend alternately confirmed beyond doubt that I need to walk away from this group then turned around and showed me why I stay. By 5 am this morning the sword was cutting both ways rapidly, and each direction it took cut deeply. I may or may not go more into some of it, but it has me thinking again about the nature of change for me.

From my constant whining about being stuck and such on this log it might seem that I don't understand how major permanent life changes come to pass. This is not true. I have a few years of various 12-step meetings and counseling of various types behind me, and I have been through at least one major life change already. The basic fact for me is that things have to get so bad, so painful that I get totally pissed off. A 12-step book detailed how the word emotion can be broken down to e-motion, the energy that fuels change or the energy of motion. That's why when folks 'help' their sinking friends and keep them from feeling the strong emotions that hitting bottom brings they deprive them of the energy needed to fix the problems. What I have been missing is that energy, that ability to feel the pain enough to get pissed off enough to actually make the painful steps necessary to change.

This weekend I got pissed off.

The only helpful anger for me is to get pissed off at myself. Upset at my laziness. Upset at the fact that I go back to unhealthy ways of relating to people - men especially. Pissed off that I have let my body go so badly. This last in response to showering in a bathroom in the hotel that had brightly lit mirrors that didn't hide what is happening to my body.

Then, as I would get totally pissed and get ready to leave the con and go home, someone would turn around and show me that I do really enjoy some of the folks in this geek group that there are intelligent, caring, fun folks here in and amongst the ones that I dance the unhealthy dance steps with. As I started for the elevator to start packing up last night, one of the guys I know primarily through the chat room stopped me and asked if I wanted to have dinner with him and his friend. We went downtown to a small pub and had a nice quiet dinner. He even paid for my dinner, the first time that a man has paid for my dinner in a long time. I was totally humbled by his simple act of friendship. Later things happened that had me going to bed finally around 3 am thinking that I would just get up, disconnect from the chat room and leave the group again. At 4:30 am some goon pulled the fire alarm. After getting back to my room I started packing up, planning on just going on home. I heard someone out in the hall (the door was open) and one of the guys I've wanted to get to know better was wandering around and he came over and gave me an affectionate hug, the first time he has ever really done anything like that. I was able to tell him I appreciate his posts on the chat room, and he seemed touched by that. I felt good about that, and decided to just go back to sleep.

As I was checking out I was given the opportunity by fate to be drawn into a conversation with another of the young men in the group who is also in another computer group I'm in. The discussion about his new projects made me think that I do want to attend that meeting next Wednesday, that there are some good things going on in that group. And then one of the other guys wandered through and we talked for several minutes, sort of solidifying a budding friendship that I appreciate and learn a lot from.

I know all this is vague. Basically it was as if fate was making sure I saw both sides of the issue before I made any decisions to burn bridges. And maybe showing me that I need to widen my circle of friends in the group rather than walking away from it. The ones that I treasure there push me to learn more to keep up with them. They get excited talking about their projects and make me want to have projects to get excited about too. The others sit around and wallow in their adversities, always in a bad mood and bitching about any little glitch in their lives. I have fallen into my usual dance of trying to 'fix' things for them, giving sympathy and such and thinking that they will find me to be the one true friend they just never had. The reality in that dance is that they just suck my energy into their own bad karma and never give me the energy I need to move ahead myself.

And so, I need to take the e-motions from this weekend and rather than turn it inward into self hatred like I usually do I need to use the energy to fuel self improvement and movement toward what I want in life. What I want is an interesting life filled with projects and friends to spend time with who enjoy what is going on in their own lives.

This was written for myself more than anyone else.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

More of the Same

Have not heard one word from the couple who looked at the place last Saturday. The appointment was for 'second showing and putting in an offer' and I know they were here cause a few things were moved around. No idea what made them change their minds. There is another appointment to look at it by someone else later in the week. The second group that had scheduled to look at it last weekend ended up canceling before the showing.

The hacker convention is this weekend. I have a room booked for Thursday through Saturday nights. I haven't even started packing. I asked for Friday off. I'm still not feeling well and am glad I have a short week.

I haven't posted cause there just isn't much to talk about. I hate just saying over and over that the house hasn't sold and I don't have a real job yet.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Once again, Maybe

Yesterday I came home sick. Too many things went the wrong way physically, and I just decided to call it a day early on. I had on my list of things to do to call the realtor and find out what happened to the folks she called me about since I hadn't heard anything. Since I was feeling puny I hadn't called her by the time I got home. As I walked in I got a call from the showing scheduler (a separate person with this brokerage) saying that a couple wants to see the place on Saturday from 11-12. I asked enough questions to verify for myself that this is the same couple that I showed it to last Sunday. They keep saying they want to put in an offer. When I hung up I considered pulling off my clothes and crawling into the waterbed since I still wasn't feeling well. The dog started barking right then and a car was in the driveway. I stepped out and it was the woman of that same couple with 2 of the kids. She didn't expect me to be home and just wanted to show the kids the place. I told her to 'make yourself at home' . She said they would be back on Saturday and that the mortgage folks see no problems. Of course, we have not started talking money yet.

Yesterday was cold. I put on long sleeves for only the second time this year, then came in and put on a fleece top as well. That wasn't enough with the chilly wind. That was part of why I was sick, I was getting a sore throat. Add in that it was my, ummm, low energy day of the month and that my tummy wasn't feeling well and I just came home and slept all day. I felt some better last night, and am better this morning. Still not full energy, though.

The bee meeting is tomorrow. I am ashamed that I have not taken care of my bees at all since I moved them to the new house in the spring. I have no idea if they are ok or not. Apparently there is a huge problem with hive beetles this year, and I couldn't tell you if I have them or not. With the weather turning chilly I can't really open the hives up till it is warmer anyway. I guess tomorrow morning I'll get up and tidy the house and load up the truck with things to move to the new house and then head to the meeting.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006


Once again things are just waiting. The job was vapor ware. What the means is that it never really existed. The upper manager was sure he would get the funding so he had his manager start the interviews. When it came down to it, he did not get the funding and so that is why the second round of interviews never happened.

Last weekend I got the yard mowed and trimmed up so it looks good. Hopefully it will stay that way awhile now since it is the middle of October. It is raining today, so that will help keep things a bit green for awhile. The new realtor called me yesterday asking detailed questions about the place. Seems there is a couple who want to put an offer on the place. I showed the house to a couple on Sunday who stopped by, but she said she specifically asked the other realtor if this was them and the realtor said these folks had never seen the place. So, I'll clean a bit extra before heading out today in case the house shows. I also got a new mailbox up. I hope it stays up longer than the 3 weeks the last one did.

I had dinner with Oddball and Panya last night. We went to a Japanese place that was cheap and good. I ate with chopsticks. I was told that if you have to ask for silverware there they make fun of you. I said that if I felt I needed silverware, then everyone could just deal. Apparently one of our friends won't go back there because he doesn't like being made fun of cause he can't use chopsticks. Seems counter-productive to the restaurant. But, the food was good and the meal was under $10. Then we went to Bongo Java. This is one of the geek coffee house hangouts. I had never been there before. I was a bit dissappointed, expected something different although I can't tell you what. Something more like Runciple Spoon in Bloomington I guess.

I haven't been posting because I'm thinking about what direction I want this blog to take. Also, it is part of the process of figuring out what direction I want my life to take. I enjoy the blogs that have some kind of theme to them or a focus or something and the blog is a record of the journey in a particular process. This one is just a listing of how I almost but don't quite sell the house and/or get a better job. Still pondering.

Monday, October 02, 2006


I have re-listed the house for sale. The house is clean other than the yard still needing attention. Hopefully it will sell this time. Mom finally coerced me into watching as she transplanted the redbud trees at the new place. These are trees that maybe 2 years ago she took as cuttings from my blooming trees here at the old place and put in water like cut flowers. They rooted so she planted them in her small garden at the senior housing. When I bought the new place immediately they became trees for the new place. I have been under orders to get them transplanted for several months now. Realize that at no time did I ever mention that I wanted these trees. So, yesterday she dug them up and we met at the new place and mostly I watched as my 75yo Mom dug the holes and planted two 5' tall redbud trees for me. I will enjoy seeing them bloom in the spring if they live, I know. But again this is Mom deciding I 'need' something and getting testy with me cause I don't come get it.

The round of second interviews for the job has been postponed until the second week of October, maybe. When they start getting vague all of a sudden either the job is vapor ware and is disappearing or they hired from within and it was all just smoke and mirrors anyway. I will call and ask the recruiters about it a couple of times more, but I'm not hopeful.

This week should be focused on working on the yard here at the old place, and packing up and moving more of the stuff in cabinets and closets and moving it over to the new house. Also I need to start seriously moving things from the outbuildings. That is the goal. I am thinking that I really have no excuse not to actually move over there now. The temperature has fallen to the point that the lack of air conditioning isn't an issue now, and it does have a nice new furnace for when it gets colder. I would tend to work on the house a lot more (read: I'd actually start working on it) if I lived there. The neighbor has 2 pitbull pups now running around loose. They are cute and friendly, but there is no way now that I can take my outside, tethered, older dog there. My dog is old and probably blind at this point, and arthritic. I will make an appointment at a vet and have her put down sometime in the next few weeks. I'm putting it off, and that is one of the reasons for not moving over to the new house yet. That is one decision that I will be glad to be on the other side of. It's hard.