Moving Along

I worked out tonight. I'm getting better at the pulling into the parking lot and walking into the gym thing. I went to the larger gym this time. Talked to the trainer who did the initiation workout with me, we got a lot of things straightened out. He gave me what I had initially wanted, a tour of where the different machines are in the main room, rather than the women's only room. That room has a bit too much estrogen in it for me. Dr. Phil on the TV, etc. I like it out in the main room better.

I did 5 minutes on the elliptical machine. I keep being able to add a minute each time I'm on it. This is good. Working out once a week seems to be good for now. It gives me time to recover between times. I'll increase that when I am more in the groove. I did more arm machines tonight. Still just beginning, but I am progressing.

Came home and ate and had my protein drink. Then I worked on the office a little. Just enough to make a bit of progress there, too. Now I'm going to crash. I'm sleeping too much, but that seems to come with the territory of working out for me.

Tarot

I have an on-going casual interest in the Tarot. Also, I Ching, The Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn and other mystical and arcane things. It's all part of the mix for me. I have both of my Tarot decks packed away as well as my I Ching book. I have mentioned SimpleLiving.net and the discussion boards there as a place I hang out under another name. Tarot came up on there, and some good links were given by various folks.

To learn Tarot:
http://www.learntarot.com/

Get a Tarot reading:
http://www.facade.com/tarot/

I went to the Tarot reading link and to see what it said. One of the layout choices was Shadow Truth. How could I resist? I always learn something from a Tarot layout, whether it is what thought I needed the answer to or not. This was no exception.

"The Shadow Truth spread provides insight into your attitudes and hidden feelings. This spread is used when you are having trouble confronting something, or fear that you are concealing something from yourself."

The remarks in quotes are from the facade.com site and belong to them. The ones not in quotes are my observatons.

I had asked for a 'general reading' and was after an overview of my life. However, the significance of the 'Shadow' in the layout name attracted me. So, I got a reading giving insight into my attitudes and hidden feelings. Ok, whatever. This is a 5 card layout.

"The card in the center represents the attitude you assume. The Magician: Mastery over word, mind, and matter. The ability to turn ideas into actions, handle problems, and control one's life. The initiation of new projects, great works, or a new way of life. Eloquent and moving communication. Arcane and eldritch technologies."

I would personally say that this is my ideal, what I would like to be. If I assume this attitude then I am happy. Arcane is defined as: known or understood by very few; mysterious; secret; obscure; esoteric and eldritch technologies are are not defined in wikipedia so I'm guessing they are, uhh, arcane. So far I am totally down with this reading...

"The card to the right represents the thoughts and feelings that underly your attitudes. The World: Completeness and intricacy of design. A great work. Achievement, reward, and well-earned recognition. A time of success, prosperity, security and joy. May also indicate travel or a change in residence."

Again, I'm totally down with this. I just changed residences and am already thinking what I want my next one to be. I have traveled in the past and traveling is very much a part of my future plans. This is really what I want my life to be.

"The card at the top represents how your attitude is evolving and will evolve in the future. Knight of Cups, when reversed: The dark essence of water behaving as fire, such as a flash flood: Deceptive charm in the service of intense insecurity and rapidly shifting moods. Selfishness, indolence, and a complete lack of maturity. Misguided idealism divorced from practicality. Destructive romantic passions and infidelity."

Oops. Ummm. Intense insecurity and rapidly shifting moods? Me? Misguided idealism? As for the last sentence, ah, well, hmmmm. Ok, so I'm not making the progress on any front that I had envisioned. I have these deceptively charming excuses... sigh. Is this cognitive dissonance, the gap between perceived reality and true reality? This card smacked me up the side of the head. Hard.

"The card to the left represents how others perceive your attitude. The Hierophant: Faith in tradition and the old school. A justified and ancient source of power. Being supportive, sympathetic and loyal. Receiving instructions, learning, guidance or inspiration. The ability to hear a higher or inner voice. May also indicate a religious ritual, such as a marriage or an initiation."

I would venture that those I run with now see me as 'old school' and ancient, and even maybe hearing inner voices. Power maybe not so much.

"The card at the bottom represents what you cannot confront or are hiding from yourself. Six of Pentacles (Success): A time of prosperity and profit. Success and generosity in material things. Power and influence turned to noble pursuits. Philanthropy, and the balancing of physical and spiritual life. May suggest gifts or aid to one in need."

So, I'm hiding and not confronting prosperity, success, power and influence. All the things that I supposedly believe in and underly my attitudes. Damn that cognitive dissonance again.

Wrap up: What I take from this reading is that I can have all the things I want in life if I get off my butt and make it happen and stop sabotaging myself. Yeah, well, but you see (turning on charming smile) there are all these things standing in my way...

More Accomplished

After work I went over and installed more software for my Mom. Her new computer is almost set up right. I have one more thing that I need to dig out and she will be set up like her old one, only better. I kept wondering where her pictures were. They weren't where I remembered storing them. This morning I had a flash of memory, and they are on her laptop, not the old desktop. sigh. I'll move then next time I'm over there.

I'm excited to get going on the office. And, I'm excited to sit down and plan the dinner. I feel back to normal now, or at least as normal as I get.

Back to Work

I have made a couple of decisions in the past 24 hours. One is that I'm going to stop working on the laundry room for now. For a small room it is actually pretty complicated. I am going to move to working on the office. It is smallish, and is just 4 walls. Only 4 corners, one door and 2 windows. I will start cleaning the boxes out of it this weekend and go from there. I am totally stalled at the moment and it's time to change something out in the process.

Also, I have decided to have everyone that helped me move, along with spouses and/or dates, to my house for dinner. Tentative date is Feb. 3. That means I have a lot of re-arranging to do and cleaning and such. I want to do it this way because I think that folks will be more likely to come if it is here rather than going out to dinner. I may be wrong. I say I can't cook, but that isn't really true. Even Nancye was surprised that I would decide to have the dinner here. I USED to cook and entertain fairly often. Then... well... I just stopped. So, I have my projects lined out for me now.

On Track

I worked out this evening at the gym. I didn't mean to. I had talked myself out of it. I finished work early so I was running around doing errands instead. Jonie sent my wonder protein, and I knew I wanted to start on it ASAP, so I went to Sam's to get some bananas and soy milk. I make a smoothie of the protein, a banana and the soy milk. Good for what ails me. Well, I realized that I was a couple of blocks away from the branch of the gym that is actually closest to my house, and it was only 4pm, so I really had no excuse not to go in. I even had my work out clothes with me. So, I ended up exercising that weakest muscle of all, the one that pulls into the gym parking lot and walks in. This gym is much smaller than the one across town. I wasn't impressed at all. Almost walked back out, but couldn't really justify it in my plans to get into shape. So, I changed and found a cardio machine and managed to go 4 minutes! That is a full minute longer than last time. My steps in the program are small, what can I say. I then found two of the three machines I hadn't seen at the other gym, the ab machine and the one for the lower back. So, I used those. A bit too much I think. I'm feeling it now. I got one of their smoothies as a treat for forging ahead against my strong excuses not to actually work out. The $5 smoothie wasn't all that good. I knew I had the ingredients for a better one in the truck.

By the time I got home, drinking their crushed-ice based drink had me chilled. I crawled into bed to warm up and fell into a deep sleep. I know that means I'm still calorie depleted, so when I woke up (via a phone call from Mom), I fixed a frozen dinner and my own, much anticipated, protein smoothie. The bananas from Sam's were VERY green, but hey, I'm not going to wait another day or two to get my wonder protein drink. I ate dinner and drank, and my abs were starting to hurt. Or was it my tummy? I mentioned on the chat room that I'd had a green banana, and Dc0de said that that would give stomach cramps... great... He said to drink more soy milk to dilute it. I never drink soy milk straight, always mixed with something. Turns out I really can't stand it straight. So, I'm going to deal with tummy pain. So far it's not too bad, but I know it's there.

So, two steps forward, 1.5 steps back. The process continues as I try to get into shape.

Another Saturday

I feel like I'm back in college. I'm basically living in one room, and it's trashed. Gotta spend today cleaning up. This has been a pretty good week. Work went well, although I spent most of it down in the south part of town instead of heading up north. Went to some clients I haven't been to in a long time. Not sure what is up that that side of town has so many calls and almost none on the north or west sides. I finished all my calls each day. Makes me look better. The previous dispatcher would send me places that I drove a long ways to and still try to give me the same number of calls that the guys in town had. That was the basis of our bad feelings cause I never got them all done and he wouldn't listen to me that I couldn't. So, given the same route, I can finish the calls. Good.

I worked out Tuesday evening. Not a huge effort, but still a good all-around workout. I was sore cause I don't have any Physique, Shaklee's protein and bulk up powder. That stuff is awesome mostly because it keeps my muscles from being sore. I used everything down before I moved, and somehow New Year's Eve and New Year's Day I had little or no food in the house. Couple that with the fact that I'm trying to work out more and I started to really feel the calorie deficit. I started buying groceries to stock up. By Thursday I had the grumpies that I always get when I'm working out, so I decided that I'd not work out Thursday evening and instead started eating as much as I could. I even cooked Thursday evening! A real meal! It caught up with me last night since my body doesn't like to go from not much food to a lot of food, but this morning I feel a lot better and ready to start working out again. I may go do the ridge trail at the county park, which is 2 miles in and 2 miles out. Go light and fast. It's been raining a lot, so the trail may be muddy. And, I called Jonie and ordered some Physique.

I have managed to track my spending all week in my spreadsheet. I was just about to say I'd spent over $200 on groceries, but the numbers actually are $123 for groceries and $14 for restaurants. That has me stocked up for a couple of weeks or so. Hmmm. The spreadsheet is good because I obviously don't have a good feel for just how much I really spend. It also motivates me to keep my little chart that monitors income and outgo on the positive side rather than the negative side when I chart income minus outgo.

Davy finally contacted me about working on the website for the convention this summer. I hadn't really talked to him in several years. Really, I haven't talked to hardly anyone from back home in a long time. But, anyway, he said that he will meet me half way this weekend or next to give me the materials and such. I'm guessing it won't be this weekend since I haven't heard from him. It will be good to get back into the caving group. I was going to go to the local grotto meeting here in town, but it was Thursday evening and I just wasn't up for it. Next month...

Time to get to work.

Year End

I just spent the past few hours making a new expense tracking spreadsheet. Since I'm a computer geek more than a numbers person, the spreadsheet itself is more fun than looking at the numbers. I put a sheet at the back to keep track of the balances in my accounts, both savings accounts and debit accounts like my mortgage and credit cards. The upshot is that I am a bit over $85K in debt. Yes, that includes my house. I looked at my fixed bills. I could, if I have to, make it on unemployment. That is, I could if I stop spending money like I have been the past couple of weeks. I am sobered by what I see. The past year really, really knocked me backwards financially. Knocked me backwards but didn't knock me down.

I will have to be firm in my resolution to do what it takes to get on my feet financially if I am to have any hope of hiking the AT in 3 years. Or if I have any hope of doing much of anything on my list of things to do with the rest of my life. I am on a very shaky cusp on all fronts, financially, physically, emotionally. I have chosen to stay home tonight, New Year's Eve, to think about all this. I really want this next year to be much better than the past one was.

I will start tracking where every penny goes from now on. This is what the spreadsheet is for. It is a work of art for me, this spreadsheet. I have it broken down into the categories that make sense to me. It is easy to use because I designed it, it works the way I think. So, there is no reason I can't do this. If I am spending more in a day than I can track, I'm spending too much on too many things. I have done this before and it isn't that difficult.

As I watch where my money is going I will make decisions on what is worth the money to me and what isn't. Food is still an issue for me now. I just can't figure out what I want to eat. Even giving myself permission to go out to eat doesn't help since I can't figure out where I want to go. So, that will be a challenge especially as I start working out more and need those calories. The give and take of money vs. health vs. convenience.

I am grateful that the house sold. If it hadn't sold by now my decisions would be between much more difficult options, so I am very grateful for what I do have. I am just sobered, as I said, by where I am vs. where I thought I'd be by now.

And so, on with the new year. I am ready to say good-by to this one. I have no idea where I will be this time next year. I have stopped making very concrete plans more than a few days in advance. But now I have a better idea of where I am starting out with the new year.

Hike

Yesterday I went back to the county park and hiked. I used my new hiking poles. I realized that they give an upper body workout, kinda the low weight/high reps taken to extreme. I feel it today. I can feel my muscles building up some. That means that I am going from having no muscles to having some muscles.

I have told enough folks that I'm in training for the Appalachian Trail in 3 years that I guess it is now a real goal. This means I gotta figure out how to pay off the credit cards and such in that time period. It is kind of disheartening because this time last year they were paid off, and now I'm deeper in debt on them than I've ever been from having to live on them while having 2 house payments and such. The three year time frame gives me a realistic window to get into shape and acquire the equipment I need.

Today I will spend tying up loose ends from the year. I may post a year-end wrap-up later.

Woot!

I went and got a new gas cap for the truck, one that you don't have to take off to add fuel. I then spent $69 on an oil change, new air filter and new brake light at Jiffy Lube. When I went for the emissions testing the truck passed! I will try to get the plates for the truck today. It has occurred to me that this is the last day of the month to get plates, so the line may be a bit long. sigh.

I also went and rejoined Gold's Gym. I have my initiation workout this afternoon at 1. The trainer who called me to schedule last night sounded enthusiastic. I had a fun time playing with him on the phone. It should be interesting. I tend to know what I want to do when I walk in, but I'll try to just listen and not make comments intended to mess up his script.

So now I need to take a trash run. Then come home and get cleaned up and head out. If the line isn't too long I'll try to get the plates for the truck. Then the workout. Then, well, I'll take stock and see what is next on the list.

Odds and Ends

Quote from the comic Zippy: If time didn't go by so fast I wouldn't dwell so much in th' past.

I had, for me, a very social week leading up to Christmas. I had social obligations for 3 days in a row, ending on Christmas Eve with having dinner with my parents and then working some more on setting up Mom's computer. On Saturday, which was my birthday, I helped oddball and various friends move what they were able to salvage from the fire into their new apartment. Then he took WizardPC and I out to dinner as a thank-you. Since that was what I'd wanted for my birthday - to spend it with friends - I got my wish and had a very good birthday.

Since I got home the evening of Christmas Eve I have not gone out of the house. Today, which is Thursday, I will go out and run the necessary errands. This includes the fact that my truck plates run out at the end of they year in 4 days. Since the county I used to live in didn't require emissions testing and the one I moved to does, I should start that process today. With a truck that is 10 years old and has 280K+ miles on it, this might get complicated and/or expensive. First off I know I need a gas cap. I lost the first one within 6 months of buying the truck new. My then boyfriend insisted that I get a new one. Well, I lost it soon after, but I had also lost the boyfriend so I never replaced it. I think I also have a leak in the exhaust system. It is original, so that isn't really a surprise. Just don't know how that will affect the emissions test. I probably should also get the oil changed beforehand. Like I said, it may get complicated.

I finally installed the tub diverter/faucet. That bathroom is now much, much cleaner. However, I found that as I cleaned I saw just how damaged it is. Mostly wear and tear that isn't dirt but actual places that won't clean up. I was depressed yesterday because of it. That room will need over-hauling that is more than just painting as I had hoped. Again it is the question of where to draw the line, how much to fix. The entire tub and surround could use a replacement. Also, the shower head is loose, but that would mean sawing a hole in the wall behind it to get to it to tighten things. That bedroom that has the shared wall is the one with the most damage, and one more hole wouldn't be that big a deal, I guess. It is also most likely the last room I'll tackle, so I'll leave that decision until then.

I spent most of one day just shredding papers with my new heavy duty shredder. I have more to go, but I can see progress there. Now I just need to take the trash away. FlyLady (flylady.net) says that we shouldn't turn our houses into landfills just because we either don't want to take things to the landfill for environmental reasons or because we hold onto things that need to really be trashed. I have spent over 2 years just cleaning out old trash from my stuff. I keep making deeper and deeper cuts, and when I really look at a lot of the stuff I've moved around I can't think of anyone who would want it. There is some guilt, but I want to be rid of all this just 'stuff'.

Which brings me to what I've really been doing these past few days. Nothing. Nothing but laying around thinking of how I really kinda wish I was down to just what would fit into my truck to move, how I wish I lived in a one-room house or houseboat or RV, etc. I am a long ways from that now. And, really, I don't know that I want that at all. But, I can't pull myself out of this funk and start working on the house right now. Madcap Mum, over on blogspot, posted a site that has information that she's been using to help herself with some issues. I'm going to try it out. I know that if she hadn't posted that it's helped her I would dismiss it as hype because it has a lot of the hallmarks of it. However, around page 35 of the free manual it did in fact have the directions on how to use the process after all. So, today I will take a shower, get out and run errands, and this evening I'll start learning this process. If it works I'll post the link here for those who don't go to her site.