Four Peaks in snow

Monday, March 19, 2007

Loosing It?

I feel like I'm loosing it. What 'it' is, I'm not sure. Everything on the surface of my life is going well. I have money for bills, the house stays sorta clean, work is ok. Somehow I feel like the base of my life has deep fissures in it, though, cracks that compromise the integrity of my very grounding. It's like I'm on a 4 legged stool, but one of the legs is getting ready to buckle. At some point the whole thing is going to tilt, and I'll be tossed off.

I keep trying to concentrate of those base activities that ground the rest of my life. I make myself eat, although I haven't been hungry for awhile now. Nothing tastes right, or has much taste at all. I don't know what I want to eat. But, I try to eat anyway and I try to eat more or less healthy things. I'm exercising. I'm sorta maintaining my weight. I'm catching up on the paperwork from work that I got behind on. I'm cleaning and unpacking around the house. I'm going through the motions.

These things aren't making me feel any more secure, though. I don't know if it is fallout from the year of having 2 mortgage payments and living on credit cards, not knowing if I was going to lose everything in a financial crash and having it out of my control. I don't know if there is something I'm missing and I have an intuitive feel that I should be looking for it. I just don't know.

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